This morning, around 5am, I fell asleep behind the wheel of my husband's Prius. I was driving 55mph along the highway when I lost consciousness, and the car veered suddenly to the right. It was the THUNK! of losing my side mirror to a metal post that jolted me from my unintentional slumber. Yes, I fell asleep while driving and hit a metal post while going 55mph. C and I were both okay, although the car sustained some fairly heavy body damage, and that side mirror is resting somewhere along 395S. Frankly, I'm lucky to be alive, and I'm lucky that C was in the middle seat and didn't take any of the force of the impact.
So here I was, last week talking about dreams reborn, this week moping about life getting me down, and today? Well, today, I could easily have died. I could have lost my daughter. By no fault of my own, in that instant that I lost consciousness, everything could have ended. Instead, I have to come up with $1000 to fix the car and hope that our insurance premiums don't go up. (Also, I have to switch medications, because I've been having some trouble staying awake at the wheel ever since beginning this particular pharmaceutical. Pity, because it was really working very well for my moods...) All in all, a VERY small price to pay. Catastrophe narrowly averted. Life goes on...
But it got me thinking. Life is fragile, and it's a gift, not a guarantee. My father-in-law told me just yesterday to quit worrying so much or I was going to find myself in the hospital, and that his own brushes with mortality have taught him to think of each day as a bonus. If every day is a bonus day, you don't want to waste your bonus time on something as silly as worrying about things you can't control. What I am now learning is that every day IS a bonus, and I don't want to waste it on depression.
Now, now... I know what you're all thinking. "But you're bipolar. Of course you're going to experience periodic depression." Yes, I realize this... But something snapped in me today. Just because I'm feeling depressed, it doesn't mean I have to give myself over to those feelings. I can fight them! I used this morning's accident as an excuse to spend the day preparing for a theatrical audition this weekend. I'm not expecting to be cast, but I guarantee I won't be cast if I don't audition! If I want to regain control of my life--if I want to recapture my dreams--then I've got to put myself out there! I've got to TRY. I can't fear rejection or failure; I have to embrace the opportunities that are presented to me. I have to stay positive, and project that positive attitude into the universe. I have to believe that I can see my dreams come true, that I WILL see my dreams come true, and only then can they stand a fighting chance.
I'm still feeling depressed. I still have no self-confidence and can't eat (although I had some noodles last night, which is more than I've had since breakfast Wednesday, and more than I've had today), and I still hate what I see in the mirror... But I have the opportunity to change all that. If I go out and PURSUE LIFE, I can regain that vitality and brilliance that I thought I had lost long ago. If I CHERISH what I have, I'll learn to focus on that instead of worrying about what may be lacking. If I live fully and love freely, then life and love will envelop me.
That collision was a wake-up call. Not only to literally wake up and drive, but to wake up to what life has to offer, right here and right now. The Universe may very well be speaking to me now, and it's screaming its bloody head off to tell me to get off my rear and put wonderful things in motion. Life is, after all, what we make of it.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, May 18, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
When the Universe Speaks...
When the Universe speaks, LISTEN!
I've been told that time and time again. Life works out the way it's supposed to. You may not realize it now, but you are exactly where you need to be for the rest of your life to move forward the way it's intended. Everything happens for a reason. You are here for a reason, these things are happening to you for a reason, and everything in your past has culminated in this one moment, in which you need to take the initiative to move forward.
It all sounds so neat and tidy, doesn't it? We may have made mistakes, but they brought us to this spectacular present! Or, perhaps the present isn't so sunny, but there's a new dawn on the horizon, and this is where we need to be now so that we can reach that horizon by morning.
For the most part, I believe in all of that. I know some who know me will be surprised, and others will be rolling their eyes at how obvious it is that I buy into this. When you live a life like mine, with the ups and downs that my life has had, you simply must believe there's some order to the chaos. A plan somewhere among the insanity. Some sort of rhyme or reason for what is, what has been, and what will be.
However, despite all of that... What about the future? If the universe has landed us exactly where we need to be now, does that mean it will neatly place us exactly where we need to be in the future? Or must we seek out the future that we want? Choose a goal and work toward it, even if it means fighting tooth and nail? If the Universe speaks to us about opportunities and when to take them, how do we actively listen? How do we distinguish between the voice of Destiny and the voice of our desires? What happens if we miss our cue because we were too busy talking to stop and listen at the right time?
I believe my life has happened for a reason, and all the ups, the downs, the sideways bits, the twists and turns... They've all led me to where I need to be. From here, though, I am faced with choices. With options. With opportunities! I'm halfway through school, meaning I'm halfway to a teaching license and a new career... But I'm hearing the siren song of the stage, beckoning me back. Life is settled and comfortable, but I'm stricken with wanderlust and a thirst for adventure. Do I keep my head down and push forward on the path I've chosen for myself, or is there some wiggle room to follow what sound like voices beyond my mind, beyond the four walls of this house... The voice of the Universe, perhaps? Can I have it all? Has life led me here so that I can have a steady career to grant me the economic freedom to pursue the dreams of my past?
It's so difficult to know what you're supposed to do, especially when what you are doing and what you want to be doing are staring you down, daring you to choose, seemingly at odds with one another... I want to make the right decisions. I want to follow the path that the Universe (be that God, Fate, the planets, or some other force) has laid for me. I want to find myself, in twenty years, exactly where I'm supposed to be.
As for now, I don't have a clue what that means.
I've been told that time and time again. Life works out the way it's supposed to. You may not realize it now, but you are exactly where you need to be for the rest of your life to move forward the way it's intended. Everything happens for a reason. You are here for a reason, these things are happening to you for a reason, and everything in your past has culminated in this one moment, in which you need to take the initiative to move forward.
It all sounds so neat and tidy, doesn't it? We may have made mistakes, but they brought us to this spectacular present! Or, perhaps the present isn't so sunny, but there's a new dawn on the horizon, and this is where we need to be now so that we can reach that horizon by morning.
For the most part, I believe in all of that. I know some who know me will be surprised, and others will be rolling their eyes at how obvious it is that I buy into this. When you live a life like mine, with the ups and downs that my life has had, you simply must believe there's some order to the chaos. A plan somewhere among the insanity. Some sort of rhyme or reason for what is, what has been, and what will be.
However, despite all of that... What about the future? If the universe has landed us exactly where we need to be now, does that mean it will neatly place us exactly where we need to be in the future? Or must we seek out the future that we want? Choose a goal and work toward it, even if it means fighting tooth and nail? If the Universe speaks to us about opportunities and when to take them, how do we actively listen? How do we distinguish between the voice of Destiny and the voice of our desires? What happens if we miss our cue because we were too busy talking to stop and listen at the right time?
I believe my life has happened for a reason, and all the ups, the downs, the sideways bits, the twists and turns... They've all led me to where I need to be. From here, though, I am faced with choices. With options. With opportunities! I'm halfway through school, meaning I'm halfway to a teaching license and a new career... But I'm hearing the siren song of the stage, beckoning me back. Life is settled and comfortable, but I'm stricken with wanderlust and a thirst for adventure. Do I keep my head down and push forward on the path I've chosen for myself, or is there some wiggle room to follow what sound like voices beyond my mind, beyond the four walls of this house... The voice of the Universe, perhaps? Can I have it all? Has life led me here so that I can have a steady career to grant me the economic freedom to pursue the dreams of my past?
It's so difficult to know what you're supposed to do, especially when what you are doing and what you want to be doing are staring you down, daring you to choose, seemingly at odds with one another... I want to make the right decisions. I want to follow the path that the Universe (be that God, Fate, the planets, or some other force) has laid for me. I want to find myself, in twenty years, exactly where I'm supposed to be.
As for now, I don't have a clue what that means.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Just Keep Swimming
Well, life continues on, and I suppose I'm enjoying the ride. :)
I went to a burner party Saturday night with L. It was at a club up in Reno, and I had a really great time. L is a fantastic girl, and I felt like, not only did we dance around and have a goofy good time, but we had some really great conversation, as well. I went all out with a crazy costume, and at the party, I got a flyer for another one in early May--I've already ordered the fabric so I can sew up a fabulous costume for that one, too! L went out to dinner with Hubby and me on Friday, and he really likes her, too. I think we'll be seeing a lot more of her in the future. The bonus: she has two roommates, so there's the potential for lots of group gatherings!
Hubby and I have been having some really great conversations lately. We've been discussing and redefining our relationship, and we're trying a new approach that offers the possibility of increased happiness for both of us. We've certainly opened up the channels of communication for a much more honest, open relationship. Suddenly, we can talk about things that I couldn't even bear to think of before. I'm feeling much more secure in our relationship, much more confident in myself, and more attached to him than ever. This new path may not work out in the end, but I think it's going to bring us closer together, regardless.
We're on our final week of C's spring break. Meaning I have to wash all her clothes this week and prepare myself to start waking up early again come Monday. The good news about her going back to school is that I'll be getting back to the gym regularly (whereas I haven't been able to go at all with her home all day), and with the recent change in my diet, I need that extra little push so I can start losing weight again. I feel like I just got used to sleeping in a little bit and having more relaxed morning routines, and now I have to go back to a rigid routine, which is a little bit of a bummer, but I've always done better with structure. So has C. This will be good for us.
I only have a little over a month left in this semester. I feel like the end is rushing up on me really fast, and that gives me the sensation that I'm forgetting things, not getting things done, falling behind... When I'm actually not. It's very disconcerting. On top of that, my desktop is still broken, and working on this old laptop is... well... less than satisfactory. Especially for writing papers (which I have to do this week). The replacement parts for my desktop simply can't come fast enough!
Life is good. I have no complaints, for sure. Things just keep slowly moving forward, and I'm trudging along with it. I feel like something exciting is on the horizon...
I went to a burner party Saturday night with L. It was at a club up in Reno, and I had a really great time. L is a fantastic girl, and I felt like, not only did we dance around and have a goofy good time, but we had some really great conversation, as well. I went all out with a crazy costume, and at the party, I got a flyer for another one in early May--I've already ordered the fabric so I can sew up a fabulous costume for that one, too! L went out to dinner with Hubby and me on Friday, and he really likes her, too. I think we'll be seeing a lot more of her in the future. The bonus: she has two roommates, so there's the potential for lots of group gatherings!
Hubby and I have been having some really great conversations lately. We've been discussing and redefining our relationship, and we're trying a new approach that offers the possibility of increased happiness for both of us. We've certainly opened up the channels of communication for a much more honest, open relationship. Suddenly, we can talk about things that I couldn't even bear to think of before. I'm feeling much more secure in our relationship, much more confident in myself, and more attached to him than ever. This new path may not work out in the end, but I think it's going to bring us closer together, regardless.
We're on our final week of C's spring break. Meaning I have to wash all her clothes this week and prepare myself to start waking up early again come Monday. The good news about her going back to school is that I'll be getting back to the gym regularly (whereas I haven't been able to go at all with her home all day), and with the recent change in my diet, I need that extra little push so I can start losing weight again. I feel like I just got used to sleeping in a little bit and having more relaxed morning routines, and now I have to go back to a rigid routine, which is a little bit of a bummer, but I've always done better with structure. So has C. This will be good for us.
I only have a little over a month left in this semester. I feel like the end is rushing up on me really fast, and that gives me the sensation that I'm forgetting things, not getting things done, falling behind... When I'm actually not. It's very disconcerting. On top of that, my desktop is still broken, and working on this old laptop is... well... less than satisfactory. Especially for writing papers (which I have to do this week). The replacement parts for my desktop simply can't come fast enough!
Life is good. I have no complaints, for sure. Things just keep slowly moving forward, and I'm trudging along with it. I feel like something exciting is on the horizon...
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