Friday, May 17, 2013

Wow, Long Time...

I really enjoyed keeping this blog, back when I kept it. I found it cleansing to post my thoughts, share my feelings, and make public goals so I'd feel a sense of obligation to external parties, even if it was only in my head. Sadly, I had to stop blogging here because I was struggling with a stalker situation. Not because I'm some pseudo-celebrity or so insanely special or any other such nonsense, and it had nothing whatsoever to do with my blog... But my blog was a tool for the stalker to continue to follow my life and harass me after the restraining orders and his relocation to a nearby city made driving by my house and gym repeatedly a less viable option for him. He created slanderous profiles with my name and picture and links to my blog on various sites, and he referenced my posts in his harassing messages and rants. I couldn't let him continue to use this once safe haven as a tool for worming his way into any aspect of my life. And thus, I stopped posting. Since my last post: I was part of a beautiful and inspired production, followed by another, followed by another. I accepted a position working year-round with the theatre company that produced these shows, and I work (unpaid) to coordinate volunteers, help organize events, and I will be teaching a workshop with them this summer. I look forward to working with them more in all capacities, on and off stage, and will be submitting two proposals for shows I would like to direct next season. I'm also going to be auditioning for other local companies in the near future. I'm almost finished with my Master's! I completed the bulk of my fieldwork/practica requirements this past semester, and I've got another round to go this summer, followed by one traditional course and one compile-my-culminating-project "course" this fall, and then it's FINISHED. The kiddo is doing great! She's learning all sorts of new skills, especially in language--she's started responding appropriately to simple prompts (sit down, come here, eat, etc), mimicking a LOT of words, waving and saying HI! at her reflection and at people... She's healthy. She's happy. She's about to enter kindergarten! Things are starting to pick up a bit for her, and I'm excited to see how far she is able to grow. I just couldn't be more excited or PROUD. I'm taking a course in playwriting this summer, which I'm very much looking forward to. It's to bulk up my hours for financial aid requirements, because the only required course I'm taking this summer is the fieldwork. This is something I've very much been wanting to try my hand at, and I'm anticipating the structured course and regular submission deadlines will be the driving force that compels me to get more than a single scene written for the first time in my life. ;) I'm getting back on the health & fitness bandwagon, and I'm VERY happy about it! I got started back up this week with a new personal trainer, and I'll be going twice a week. Plus I'm taking a 2x/week high-intensity fitness class throughout the entire summer, plus I'm enrolled in two weekly dance classes for the fall semester. I've realized that a HUGE factor in my ongoing weight struggles is that I'm not dancing multiple times a week like I was in my teens and early twenties, and that's what kept me healthy most of my life. Clearly, going to the gym on my own wasn't doing the job for me, and working with a personal trainer is beyond my financial scope for long-term solutions at this stage, but organized dance and fitness group classes are affordable, structured enough to keep me on track, and fun enough that they're somewhere I WANT to be, not just somewhere I'm forcing myself to go for my health. This is all part of a very exciting, bigger package of lifestyle changes that I'm gradually introducing into my routine so I can not only shed some weight and get healthy again, but so I can maintain it for the rest of my life--because health and fitness have no end point; they're an ongoing, daily commitment! Finally--and I list this finally because it IS the least important thing to me, which I wouldn't have believed possible last summer--the stalker is in prison. At last. Not for his harassment or abuse of me, but for unrelated felony charges. I hear he was sentenced to 1-3 years, so I predict he'll serve one and then get out on parole, but he'll be a registered sex offender at that time. I'll be able to check online to see where he lives and works, and I will never in my life find myself anywhere near him. Never again. I stopped carrying my mace with me everywhere a couple of months ago, before I learned he was in prison (before he was convicted and sentenced, I think). It's in my car, and I take it out if I'm out in public after dusk, if I'm in an unknown area, or if I'm in any way in a vulnerable position for attack... But I stopped gripping it in my fingers until my knuckles turned white every time I set foot out of my house or out of the car. I'm alert and aware in public, because I know now how foolish it would be not to be so (not just from my experience, but from the experiences of several women around me, many of whom are now involved in a women's organization with me), but I'm not paranoid anymore. I'm not walking around scared. I have reclaimed my life, and I am LIVING it! On that note... I'm officially retiring this blog. I suppose most of my sporadic readers declared it retired long ago, but I held out hope for reviving it... But I think that would be foolish. That man will be released from prison one day, and I know him to be the type to hold grudges for forty years. I don't imagine he'll never look me up again... And, if he found this before, he'll find it again. So, like the phone number he knew, it will be set aside and forgotten. I may start another blog, but not on this account, and not linked to this blog in any way, so he hopefully never finds it in connection with my name. I am doing quite well. I AM HAPPY. My kid is great. My life is great. I'm doing so many of the things I always wanted to do, and I'm doing so many things I never imagined for myself but am now LOVING. I've almost got a Master's, I'm an elected official in a local chapter of a national non-profit organization, I'm an integral part of a theatre company and a known and loved member of a broader theatre community, I have a whole new social system in place, I don't drink anymore (not in over 8 months now), I'm making positive changes in my life on a daily basis... Things are quite fantastic. I'm feeling purpose and drive and inspiration! It's time to put this chapter of my life to bed and begin writing the next. Thank you, blog, for being my outlet. Thank you, anyone who read this, for being my sounding board. Hopefully some aspect of my experiences will give someone else some hope that THINGS REALLY DO GET BETTER. Rape. Assault. Stalking. Harassment. Abuse. Mental Disease. PTSD. Bipolar. Anxiety. Depression. Weight. Special Needs. Parenting. Motherhood. Disabilities. LIFE. These are all full of obstacles and pain, but don't give up--there's so much out there, and the only thing between you and it is YOU! Make it happen. Follow your dreams. HOPE. Work. You can have all the joy in the world. Make it so.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Summer Vacation

Today was C's last day of school for the term. She had a barbecue and bouncy house at the preschool, and I wish more than anything I had been there to see her bouncing around and laughing her head off. :D Now, we have seven weeks of summer vacation. SEVEN WEEKS. Of having her all day. Meaning no "free time" to go to the grocery store without her yelling and grabbing at everything she sees. No quiet brunches with my, well, imaginary friends, I suppose, since I no longer have people in the area to brunch with, heh. Seven weeks of caring for her 24/7 without those precious 16 hours a week to go to the salon, go to the gym, run errands... And all while my own school is starting back up for the summer term. Whee! Life is an adventure, LOL.

The new meds seem to be working remarkably well. I haven't had any mood issues whatsoever; the adjustment was pretty seamless. The only pitfall seems to be that they make me incredibly drowsy. It's not like the last meds, which made me pass out without warning behind the wheel of a car... This is gradual, a heaviness that drifts in like a slow-moving fog and takes over. That being said, I've been napping a lot lately. I'm hoping that will wear off as I get used to the new prescription, and, indeed, I slept much less today than I have been sleeping, so I'm taking that as a sign of progress!

It's great to be in a show again. Rehearsals are something I look forward to, and the work is... well, gratifying. I feel like I'm creating something again, like I'm collaborating creatively, and like I'm working toward an attainable end goal. In many ways, I feel like I'm starting over, trying to remember skills that I haven't practiced in half a decade... But it feels SO GOOD. I can't believe I've been doing anything else with my time for this long.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Inspiration in Innocence

I wonder why I don't draw more daily inspiration from my child. C has several disabilities, to be sure. She doesn't function anywhere near the level of other 4-year-olds. She's "special." "Delayed." And a host of other labels, to be sure...

When you strip all those labels away, though, what you have is a kid who truly LOVES life. She loves to laugh, and she'll find any excuse to burst out in uproarious laughter. She'll turn absolutely anything into a game. When she's told no, she finds another way to go about getting what she wants. Nothing stops her, nothing breaks her spirit, and she is ALWAYS grinning. What a great way to live life!

She is, of course, completely oblivious to the fact that she's not like other kids her age... And why shouldn't she be? What could she possibly gain by knowing that the world sees her as somehow imperfect or incomplete? In her eyes, life is beautiful. Nothing gets her down. Everything is a wonder...

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down or defeated, I really need to just take a look at my kid. Instead of seeing the dreams I had for her that won't come true, I need to focus on the joy in her life. Instead of concentrating on how I can't be all the mother she needs, I need to join in the laughter, become a part of the game, and just enjoy being with her. She's an incredible kid, and she has a lot to teach me, if only I'll open my eyes and ears...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A Birthday

I had a birthday. By some planning and some chance, my parents were passing through town, so Hubby and I packed up C and spent the day with them. We had a lovely breakfast together, drove around the entirety of Lake Tahoe with a stop at Emerald Bay for a photo op, and had all-you-can-eat sushi for dinner. My kind of day! It was very nice. :)

I don't get excited about birthdays. They're just another day, after all... And, this year, it seemed an in-your-face reminder that I'm getting older than I want to be and still haven't really accomplished anything in my life. I'm still a student, I'm still not performing for a living (and that window of opportunity grows smaller with each passing year), I don't have a "real" job... The only thing of worth I've done is have a kid, and anyone can do that. ;oP So I started the day out a little bummed, but the abundance of love surrounding me all day quickly changed my spirits.

I'm still adjusting to the new meds, although that's going well. My moods have been stable, but the meds make me so TIRED! I have to take one at night, which is fine, because then I pass out for the night, but then I take another one in the morning, and that makes staying up all day quite a feat! I'm still working on adjusting to that. It seems like, if I can make it through the first three hours after I take the pill, I'm pretty much good to go for the rest of the day. I'm not having the trouble with spontaneously passing out that I was having with the previous med that sparked the change, though, so hopefully that means no more wrecked cars.

But yeah, I had a birthday. One year older... But this year, I'm working toward accomplishing my dreams. I'll have a Master's by the time I'm 30, and I've got my foot back in the revolving door of theatre, so who knows what could happen this year? :)

Friday, May 25, 2012


Day One on the new prescription:

Slept until 2pm. Went to get Hubby lunch. Came home, had to fight the urge to go back to bed. At 3pm. They weren't kidding when they said this stuff could make me drowsy... I hope I adjust soon. I have to be up early on Saturday!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Shifting Perspective

If there's one thing I learned from my accident on Friday, it's that life is fragile, and it can be gone in an instant. It can't be taken for granted. It must be actively lived, loved, and embraced. If you want something, you have to go for it. Nothing will be handed to you, but everything could be taken away in the blink of an eye. Love what and who you have while you have them, and let go of negativity the moment it creeps into your life. Live without regrets.

In the past few days, I've made peace with my demons. I've forgiven those who wronged me in the past, and I've learned to hold tighter to those who make my world a better place. I am stronger from the past, happy with the present, and optimistic about the future. I have always looked for the silver lining, but now I don't even see the clouds.

It took a potentially fatal incident to open my eyes. I hope that the rest of you are able to see life for all its wonders and embrace its beauty without such an eye-opener.

Monday, May 21, 2012

And Sometimes, Dreams Come True!

I can hardly believe it. My head is spinning, my feet haven't touched the ground... I auditioned yesterday for a local production of The Tempest (which just so happens to be the first play I ever did, waaaaay back in 10th grade--AND the play in which my first-ever kiss occurred--ON STAGE!!). I went in prepared, professional, and expecting great things of myself. I didn't expect a role, because these people had never seen me before and didn't know me from Adam. I didn't expect applause or congratulations. I didn't expect anyone to acknowledge me, or my valiant attempts at returning to the stage after more than half a decade away. I expected nothing from them, and everything from myself. I delivered.

I wasn't nervous. I read with confidence. I didn't hesitate to try anything they asked of me. I walked in with head held high, and I left two inches taller than when I had come in. I was PROUD of myself... For the first time in *I don't know how long.*

This evening, I got the call. I got a part! With plenty of stage time, a handful of important lines, and OHMYGOSH A REAL PART IN A REAL PLAY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE GRADUATING UNIVERSITY!!

This comes at an interesting time, because, as we all know, I've struggled very heavily with PTSD this year. I've gone through a great deal, and I've journeyed a long way to find inner peace and strength in my life. Additionally, as I mentioned before, I passed out behind the wheel on Friday and ran off the road, wrecking Hubby's car. This was the final straw for my current meds, which means I have to change them--tomorrow. I'm anticipating a couple of weeks where I'm not sure what I'm feeling, or where I feel very little (that's typically the case when I transition: I go a bit numb). I was feeling anxious about that, but now! NOW! I have something glorious to keep me on Cloud Nine for the next two months!!

My readers have seen me fluctuate heavily in the very recent past. First, I was bursting with inspiration and optimism. Next, I was in a pit of despair. Well, nearly killing myself on Friday gave me the final kick in the seat that I needed to get out and start to make things happen. No more excuses. If I want happiness, I have to go out and GET IT, instead of waiting for it to come to me. I spent ALL DAY Friday preparing for this audition, shopping for an appropriate outfit, hunting down my actin' shoes, planning my hair and makeup, taking self-portraits so I'd have something resembling a headshot, updating my horribly out-of-date and dusty resume... I turned a very scary moment into a moment of reawakening. It gave me the courage I needed to go out and TRY...

...And I succeeded! :D

So, of my 3 goals recently set (to lose 30 lbs, to get my voice back in shape, and to be on stage before the end of 2013), I am currently ACTIVELY working toward the first two, and I've managed to reach the third. The one that mattered the most to me is becoming a reality right before my eyes. I am coming back to the stage, and it feels like coming HOME.

I couldn't possibly be any happier than I am RIGHT NOW.

Dreams really DO come true!