I can hardly believe it. My head is spinning, my feet haven't touched the ground... I auditioned yesterday for a local production of The Tempest (which just so happens to be the first play I ever did, waaaaay back in 10th grade--AND the play in which my first-ever kiss occurred--ON STAGE!!). I went in prepared, professional, and expecting great things of myself. I didn't expect a role, because these people had never seen me before and didn't know me from Adam. I didn't expect applause or congratulations. I didn't expect anyone to acknowledge me, or my valiant attempts at returning to the stage after more than half a decade away. I expected nothing from them, and everything from myself. I delivered.
I wasn't nervous. I read with confidence. I didn't hesitate to try anything they asked of me. I walked in with head held high, and I left two inches taller than when I had come in. I was PROUD of myself... For the first time in *I don't know how long.*
This evening, I got the call. I got a part! With plenty of stage time, a handful of important lines, and OHMYGOSH A REAL PART IN A REAL PLAY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE GRADUATING UNIVERSITY!!
This comes at an interesting time, because, as we all know, I've struggled very heavily with PTSD this year. I've gone through a great deal, and I've journeyed a long way to find inner peace and strength in my life. Additionally, as I mentioned before, I passed out behind the wheel on Friday and ran off the road, wrecking Hubby's car. This was the final straw for my current meds, which means I have to change them--tomorrow. I'm anticipating a couple of weeks where I'm not sure what I'm feeling, or where I feel very little (that's typically the case when I transition: I go a bit numb). I was feeling anxious about that, but now! NOW! I have something glorious to keep me on Cloud Nine for the next two months!!
My readers have seen me fluctuate heavily in the very recent past. First, I was bursting with inspiration and optimism. Next, I was in a pit of despair. Well, nearly killing myself on Friday gave me the final kick in the seat that I needed to get out and start to make things happen. No more excuses. If I want happiness, I have to go out and GET IT, instead of waiting for it to come to me. I spent ALL DAY Friday preparing for this audition, shopping for an appropriate outfit, hunting down my actin' shoes, planning my hair and makeup, taking self-portraits so I'd have something resembling a headshot, updating my horribly out-of-date and dusty resume... I turned a very scary moment into a moment of reawakening. It gave me the courage I needed to go out and TRY...
...And I succeeded! :D
So, of my 3 goals recently set (to lose 30 lbs, to get my voice back in shape, and to be on stage before the end of 2013), I am currently ACTIVELY working toward the first two, and I've managed to reach the third. The one that mattered the most to me is becoming a reality right before my eyes. I am coming back to the stage, and it feels like coming HOME.
I couldn't possibly be any happier than I am RIGHT NOW.
Dreams really DO come true!
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Monday, May 21, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
When the Universe Speaks...
When the Universe speaks, LISTEN!
I've been told that time and time again. Life works out the way it's supposed to. You may not realize it now, but you are exactly where you need to be for the rest of your life to move forward the way it's intended. Everything happens for a reason. You are here for a reason, these things are happening to you for a reason, and everything in your past has culminated in this one moment, in which you need to take the initiative to move forward.
It all sounds so neat and tidy, doesn't it? We may have made mistakes, but they brought us to this spectacular present! Or, perhaps the present isn't so sunny, but there's a new dawn on the horizon, and this is where we need to be now so that we can reach that horizon by morning.
For the most part, I believe in all of that. I know some who know me will be surprised, and others will be rolling their eyes at how obvious it is that I buy into this. When you live a life like mine, with the ups and downs that my life has had, you simply must believe there's some order to the chaos. A plan somewhere among the insanity. Some sort of rhyme or reason for what is, what has been, and what will be.
However, despite all of that... What about the future? If the universe has landed us exactly where we need to be now, does that mean it will neatly place us exactly where we need to be in the future? Or must we seek out the future that we want? Choose a goal and work toward it, even if it means fighting tooth and nail? If the Universe speaks to us about opportunities and when to take them, how do we actively listen? How do we distinguish between the voice of Destiny and the voice of our desires? What happens if we miss our cue because we were too busy talking to stop and listen at the right time?
I believe my life has happened for a reason, and all the ups, the downs, the sideways bits, the twists and turns... They've all led me to where I need to be. From here, though, I am faced with choices. With options. With opportunities! I'm halfway through school, meaning I'm halfway to a teaching license and a new career... But I'm hearing the siren song of the stage, beckoning me back. Life is settled and comfortable, but I'm stricken with wanderlust and a thirst for adventure. Do I keep my head down and push forward on the path I've chosen for myself, or is there some wiggle room to follow what sound like voices beyond my mind, beyond the four walls of this house... The voice of the Universe, perhaps? Can I have it all? Has life led me here so that I can have a steady career to grant me the economic freedom to pursue the dreams of my past?
It's so difficult to know what you're supposed to do, especially when what you are doing and what you want to be doing are staring you down, daring you to choose, seemingly at odds with one another... I want to make the right decisions. I want to follow the path that the Universe (be that God, Fate, the planets, or some other force) has laid for me. I want to find myself, in twenty years, exactly where I'm supposed to be.
As for now, I don't have a clue what that means.
I've been told that time and time again. Life works out the way it's supposed to. You may not realize it now, but you are exactly where you need to be for the rest of your life to move forward the way it's intended. Everything happens for a reason. You are here for a reason, these things are happening to you for a reason, and everything in your past has culminated in this one moment, in which you need to take the initiative to move forward.
It all sounds so neat and tidy, doesn't it? We may have made mistakes, but they brought us to this spectacular present! Or, perhaps the present isn't so sunny, but there's a new dawn on the horizon, and this is where we need to be now so that we can reach that horizon by morning.
For the most part, I believe in all of that. I know some who know me will be surprised, and others will be rolling their eyes at how obvious it is that I buy into this. When you live a life like mine, with the ups and downs that my life has had, you simply must believe there's some order to the chaos. A plan somewhere among the insanity. Some sort of rhyme or reason for what is, what has been, and what will be.
However, despite all of that... What about the future? If the universe has landed us exactly where we need to be now, does that mean it will neatly place us exactly where we need to be in the future? Or must we seek out the future that we want? Choose a goal and work toward it, even if it means fighting tooth and nail? If the Universe speaks to us about opportunities and when to take them, how do we actively listen? How do we distinguish between the voice of Destiny and the voice of our desires? What happens if we miss our cue because we were too busy talking to stop and listen at the right time?
I believe my life has happened for a reason, and all the ups, the downs, the sideways bits, the twists and turns... They've all led me to where I need to be. From here, though, I am faced with choices. With options. With opportunities! I'm halfway through school, meaning I'm halfway to a teaching license and a new career... But I'm hearing the siren song of the stage, beckoning me back. Life is settled and comfortable, but I'm stricken with wanderlust and a thirst for adventure. Do I keep my head down and push forward on the path I've chosen for myself, or is there some wiggle room to follow what sound like voices beyond my mind, beyond the four walls of this house... The voice of the Universe, perhaps? Can I have it all? Has life led me here so that I can have a steady career to grant me the economic freedom to pursue the dreams of my past?
It's so difficult to know what you're supposed to do, especially when what you are doing and what you want to be doing are staring you down, daring you to choose, seemingly at odds with one another... I want to make the right decisions. I want to follow the path that the Universe (be that God, Fate, the planets, or some other force) has laid for me. I want to find myself, in twenty years, exactly where I'm supposed to be.
As for now, I don't have a clue what that means.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Dreams Never Die
Dreams never die. They may be forgotten for a time, but they live on, indefinitely, until the time comes for the heart to remember. Dreams never die.
Sometimes, it's easy to forget that I once had huge dreams. Like, ENORMOUS dreams. I was going to be a star! I was going to make a living on the stage, live my life as hundreds of different characters in different cities around the globe, become someone else for a few hours every night, and bring joy and perspective to those who came out to see me perform. I had DREAMS.
Then I had a child. Moreover, I had a child with special needs. A child who needs a dedicated team of medical specialists nearby to monitor her progress regularly. A child who needs extra attention, extra help, and structure to her life, more so than some other children. A child who can't be packed up and carted around the country with a touring troupe, or bounced around from apartment to apartment, city after city, without a single home to call her own. A place to grow and thrive. A life that I could never give her if I continued down a path toward the wild and crazy dreams of my young adulthood...
So, my dreams shifted. I dreamed new dreams: dreams of special schools, of helping children, of developmental milestones being reached and tiny smiles on my little one's face. Dreams of her first spoken words, the ability to potty train, walking distances without leg braces, telling me she loves me, her falling in love, her going to college, her falling in love and starting a family of her own... Dreams that are easily as grand and enormous as my dreams of stardom, but in very different ways. Dreams that are just as difficult to achieve as my earlier dreams. Selfless (or mostly selfless) dreams for my child's well-being. Those are the dreams I dream now.
However, even as I dream these new dreams, as I spend my days and nights working toward them, as I go to school in furtherance of them, as I devote my time and energy and heart to that little girl who needs me for so very much, I haven't lost sight of the old dreams. They haven't died. They haven't vanished. They've simply been buried somewhere deep beneath the surface... From time to time, they dig themselves out of their shallow grave, because I can tell myself I have killed them, but they never truly die. They are immortal, and, at times, they are stronger than I. These dreams have a life of their own, and they yearn to be realized. Perhaps they've matured with time, and they've narrowed the scope of their ultimate goals a little. Perhaps New York City and national touring companies are no longer a part of the dream... But the stage is still there. The lights, the greasepaint, the proscenium, the audience... Those things crave realization. They haunt me, and they call to me at night, when the lights are out, when I'm drifting off to sleep and my heart and mind are at their most vulnerable. They whisper in my ear, and they encourage me to seek out auditions, to go to karaoke, to do anything and everything I can to be in the spotlight once again, if only for a brief moment in time.
Dreams never die. They may be forgotten for a time, but they live on, indefinitely, until the time comes for the heart to remember.
Dreams never die.
Sometimes, it's easy to forget that I once had huge dreams. Like, ENORMOUS dreams. I was going to be a star! I was going to make a living on the stage, live my life as hundreds of different characters in different cities around the globe, become someone else for a few hours every night, and bring joy and perspective to those who came out to see me perform. I had DREAMS.
Then I had a child. Moreover, I had a child with special needs. A child who needs a dedicated team of medical specialists nearby to monitor her progress regularly. A child who needs extra attention, extra help, and structure to her life, more so than some other children. A child who can't be packed up and carted around the country with a touring troupe, or bounced around from apartment to apartment, city after city, without a single home to call her own. A place to grow and thrive. A life that I could never give her if I continued down a path toward the wild and crazy dreams of my young adulthood...
So, my dreams shifted. I dreamed new dreams: dreams of special schools, of helping children, of developmental milestones being reached and tiny smiles on my little one's face. Dreams of her first spoken words, the ability to potty train, walking distances without leg braces, telling me she loves me, her falling in love, her going to college, her falling in love and starting a family of her own... Dreams that are easily as grand and enormous as my dreams of stardom, but in very different ways. Dreams that are just as difficult to achieve as my earlier dreams. Selfless (or mostly selfless) dreams for my child's well-being. Those are the dreams I dream now.
However, even as I dream these new dreams, as I spend my days and nights working toward them, as I go to school in furtherance of them, as I devote my time and energy and heart to that little girl who needs me for so very much, I haven't lost sight of the old dreams. They haven't died. They haven't vanished. They've simply been buried somewhere deep beneath the surface... From time to time, they dig themselves out of their shallow grave, because I can tell myself I have killed them, but they never truly die. They are immortal, and, at times, they are stronger than I. These dreams have a life of their own, and they yearn to be realized. Perhaps they've matured with time, and they've narrowed the scope of their ultimate goals a little. Perhaps New York City and national touring companies are no longer a part of the dream... But the stage is still there. The lights, the greasepaint, the proscenium, the audience... Those things crave realization. They haunt me, and they call to me at night, when the lights are out, when I'm drifting off to sleep and my heart and mind are at their most vulnerable. They whisper in my ear, and they encourage me to seek out auditions, to go to karaoke, to do anything and everything I can to be in the spotlight once again, if only for a brief moment in time.
Dreams never die. They may be forgotten for a time, but they live on, indefinitely, until the time comes for the heart to remember.
Dreams never die.
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