Saturday, March 31, 2012

Social Progress

The title of this post seems to mean something much larger and more important than the progress of my social life. Nevertheless, this is a blog about me and my small life, not so much about the bigger issues, so you can rest assured that the social progress of which I speak is small-scale and self-centered. ;)

I have now met two women from my profile on the sort-of-for-dating site. I had dinner Thursday night with one who is a little bit older than me, has two children, and goes to Burning Man. She was awesome. This morning, I had coffee with another woman who is a little bit younger than me, has a lot of similar interests, and is new to town and, like me, looking to get out and meet new people while trying new things. Both of these women excited me and gave me a great deal of hope. I enjoyed talking with them, and I saw potential for many more pleasant encounters and new adventures. My road to building a social life seems to be paved with gold.

I still have a few others from the site that I intend to meet. I can see the beginnings of several social circles in my life; people to drink with, people to karaoke with, people to have quiet dinners in with... I'm hoping to find a home in these circles, and that Asher will find a place in them, too.

In other news, I have leads on a few different bands who are looking to add a female singer, or who are just forming and are looking for a singer, period. My time is limited between C, work, and school, but I think I could carve out a few hours a week to rehearse and perform, and I have a few connections for bookings to get gigs. I think something good could come of this.

I'm merging social worlds next Saturday night. The woman with whom I had dinner Thursday invited me to meet her at a party downtown, and this morning, I invited my other new friend to attend with me. I see it as an opportunity to get to know the both of them better, to introduce them to one another, and to meet even more new people. It will be a wild and crazy party because it's hosted by the burner community, but I think it will be a fantastic adventure!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Better, But Not Cured

After a few months of EMDR and therapy, my PTSD is remarkably well controlled. My triggers have a much smaller, more manageable effect on me now, and I can often breathe my way through a problem. My therapist has graduated me from weekly sessions to a follow-up in a month to see how I'm doing then and evaluate whether we need to continue treatment. I can finally think about my traumas without reliving them, without having panic attacks, and without losing control and running to the nearest bar for comfort.

That being said, one of my biggest triggers is a particular name. A man who assaulted me, who threatened me, who harassed me, and who tried to break into my home. Hearing his name, seeing it in print... It gets me all worked up and defensive. I can't even speak the name. I've tried, but the sounds won't come out. His name is my biggest trigger...

Sadly, one of the people I've met online who I'm supposed to meet in person (the one I was going to meet yesterday, although there was a last-minute change of plans, as neither of us felt well enough for the outing--it should be noted, I felt sickly because I'd been up all night/morning after a nightmare about one of my assaulters--further evidence I'm not cured), shares a name with that bad man of old. I see it every time I chat with him online. For the most part, it hasn't been an issue, but yesterday...

I don't know what it was. Perhaps it was that I just saw it so many times throughout the day. Perhaps it's because I could hear the name in my head when I read it on the computer screen. For whatever reason, it triggered an attack. It was very slow coming, starting with unnoticeable rise in heart rate and anxiety, and eventually culminating in full-body shakes and an inability to breathe normally. I actually had to take an anxiety pill last night just so I could catch my breath.

This was an isolated event. It doesn't happen every time I'm exposed to one of my triggers (unlike before), and it was very gradual. If I'd been paying more attention, I could probably have stopped the symptoms before they got so extreme. In any event, it's a sure sign that, while I'm much better, I'm definitely not cured. I may never be. I may be living with symptoms of PTSD for the rest of my life... The important part is that I learn to control them, so they can't control me. The men who hurt me no longer have the power in my life; I do. I've taken it back, and I refuse to let go.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Homecoming and Renewed Goals

After three full months of living as a stray, occasionally wandering back into our yard in search of food and, perhaps, familiarity, our beloved Morgan (feline) has returned home. I came home from an errand this morning to find him napping in a collapsed box in a fenced-off section of our back yard. He woke when I approached, but didn't run off as I walked up to him. He remained calm as I picked him up and carried him inside.

He obviously missed us, because he's been incredibly affectionate since his return to the home. He's found a comfortable spot on a heating pad (my contribution) under our bed, with food, water, and litter box nearby. I'm having to isolate him from the other cats for a while so they can grow accustomed to each other's scents and presence in the home. The Duchess is not the least bit aggressive and lived harmoniously in the shelter with several other cats, so she seems curious, but timid, about this (from her perspective) newcomer. Seamus lived for four months with Morgan, so I'm not sure if they remember each other or not, but he clearly feels threatened by Morgan's return. He growled and hissed and tried to launch an attack on Morgan, but I intervened. When I go in to visit Morgie, I walk out to find Seamus anxiously awaiting me in the hallway, lavishing affection on me. Maybe he's afraid I'll stop loving him now that my older cat is back.

In other news, I had a meal replacement shake for lunch today. This was the first step in an effort to get myself back on track towards achieving my goal weight. I've been going to the gym regularly, but I've let that lull me into a comfortable situation of eating whatever I want, and I can tell by the roundness of my face that it's coming back to kick me in the rear. My clothes still fit--I haven't gained more than a couple of pounds at the most--but I'm definitely not losing weight, and I haven't been for a while. I let myself get comfortable with all the weight I lost, losing sight of my ultimate goal weight, and I stopped working for it. Beginning today, I'm jumping back on the diet wagon. Fewer carbs, less cake(!), diet drinks and water, sugar-free coffee drinks, and no fast food. Plus, I've got a pantry full of delicious and effective Nutrisystem meals, so I might as well eat the food I've already paid for. ;)

I won't be doing weekly weigh-ins or obsessing over this. I'm just going to make better food choices and continue my regular exercise routine, then enjoy watching the weight gradually melt away.

Monday, March 26, 2012

So Far, So Good

Well, I've been doing my jaw exercises, my ice/massage/heating treatments, and taking my anti-inflammatories, and I'm definitely noticing some slight improvements with my TMJ. I still can't open my jaw straight up and down, but the deviation is DRASTICALLY reduced. I'm clenching my jaw a lot less, which means less tension, less popping, and less locking. All of which translates into less pain. So, if things keep up like this, maybe I won't need surgery after all. *crosses fingers*

On the friend front, I've met a LOT of promising prospects! I have plans to meet with someone tomorrow for lunch and someone else Thursday night for dinner and drinks. I have two other people that have expressed an interest in meeting, but we haven't tried to schedule anything yet, so we'll see. The girl I'm meeting Thursday has a very active circle of friends, so I'm hoping I can work my way in with them and meet even more new people through her. Hubby's a bit anxious about the guy I'm meeting tomorrow for lunch. He has every right to be uncomfortable, but I've made it very clear to all parties involved that I WILL NOT be engaging in any inappropriate activities, and the guy still wanted to meet me. He's either clueless or genuinely interested in a platonic relationship, so I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, meet, and figure out what his intentions are. One wrong move, and I simply block him. Easy enough!

A while back, I posted about some of the symptoms I was experiencing in relation to the reduction in my medication. Well, somehow, without me even noticing, those symptoms faded away into nothingness. I have adjusted to the lower dose now, and I'm sleeping well, functioning normally while awake, and my moods are nicely in check. I haven't fallen asleep behind the wheel driving since the dosage was changed, so all is looking good.

The contractor is back today. There are a few very minor touch-ups that need to be done. Today, he's replacing the hardware for the blinds that was lost so that we can re-hang them, and he's fixing the latch on our door that stopped lining up when they took out the carpet. We still haven't moved our stuff back into the room; I think Hubby and I are both kind of enjoying the clutter-free feeling of empty bookshelves and closet rods. ;)

C is on her first day of Spring Break today. Because her school is year-round, it's a three week break. Here's hoping we both get through it without any major meltdowns! All in all, though, life is really good right now.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Oral Surgeon

Well, the good news is that the oral surgeon saw me and doesn't *think* I'll need surgery. He said only about 5% of people with the kind of loose cartilage I have need it. That being said, he also said I was at a greater risk of needing surgery than most people, largely because I've been having troubles since childhood, and there's quite a lot of maladjustment to my jaw as a result.

There's deterioration on the right side of my jaw. The muscles on both sides of my face that are related to the jaw are inflamed and suffering spasms. I was given a prescription for an anti-inflammatory, and I'm supposed to spend an hour of every day icing, then massaging, the heating both sides of my face. I'm also incapable of opening my mouth straight up and down (it deviates a LOT to the right), so I'm supposed to stand in front of the mirror every day and practice opening my jaw straight. Ouch.

So the good news is, there's a lot that can be done that doesn't involve surgery. The bad news is, there's a lot of painful and time-consuming things I'm going to have to do to avoid surgery, and there won't be a quick fix for this lifelong jaw problem that's driving me out of my mind. It also means my jaw isn't going to be wired shut, so there goes my plan for an easy to follow diet. ;)

Essentially, I have a loose bit of cartilage in my jaw that causes popping and sticking, and I grind my teeth. I've been doing this for at least 22 years, which has led to a serious misalignment. Now, in three weeks, I'm supposed to retrain 22 years of bad habits.

...Wish me luck?

Spring Break

Well, C is at school for her last day of classes before spring break. Because her school is year-round, her spring break is three weeks. Which means, for the next three weeks, I can't go to the gym, I can't go grocery shopping without C, and getting work (real work or school work) completed will be more difficult. Yeah, I can't say I'm looking forward to this...

Of course, the positive side to spring break is that I'll have three weeks to play with my little girl. I wish it were in the cards for us to go somewhere and do something new and/or fun, like go to San Francisco and take her to the zoo, but we're just not in a position right now to take any vacations. Besides, I'm treading water with work and school as it is, and I can't afford to be away from my computer or without a steady routine that provides time to devote to work every day.

The Girl Scouts have been out in full force. Fortunately for me, I don't carry cash, so I haven't had the option of buying cookies, even if I wanted to. For a girl with my lack of will power when it comes to sweets, that's a real blessing. ;) Of course, having been a girl scout and District Top Seller for multiple years growing up, I want to support them and help them meet their cookie-selling goals... But not at the risk of my health. So, really, it's best that I'm unable to buy cookies. I think. I hope. Or maybe I'll run out and hit an ATM. ;)

After more than two months, we finally were able to sleep in our bedroom last night. There are a couple of very minor touch-ups that have to be done with wall texture, paint, and adjusting the latch on our door (it no longer catches), but we have a bed back in there, there are no more holes or exposed flooring, and we have full access to the master bedroom and bathroom again. I cannot begin to tell you what a relief that is.

My desktop is currently in a state of disrepair. We were gifted a lovely new desk for me to use, but in moving the computer around, something apparently shook loose. The power supply is dead, and there's a chance the motherboard may be bad, too. We've got an RMA in process on the power supply, so when they finally process and ship that, we'll be able to ascertain whether that's the only problem. If there's something else going on, it may be a while before I have my desktop back. I'm currently using Hubby's old laptop to get my work done, but I don't have access to my photography stuff, my school files, or even my time sheet for the first half of the month. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I have a working desktop again soon. This poor little lappy can barely even handle running WoW.

Life is going well. I go see the oral surgeon this afternoon about getting jaw surgery for my TMJ, the prospect of which excites me a great deal. I am SO over my jaw popping and aching all the time! I've got a handful of new friendship prospects from my online search, and I may even meet someone this weekend for a mini-hike and drinks. I'm loving having red/auburn hair now instead of the blonde; I feel SO much more like myself! Overall, no real complaints. As I said, life is going well.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Not Quite Right

Well, it's been about a week since I switched to the lower dose of meds, if my daily pill sorter can be trusted. So far, things are... not quite right.

Today, I feel like my skin is crawling, and I kinda want to just rip it off. I keep thinking about taking a shower, as if that might help. I'll probably give it a try, because, while it may be a stretch, it may have a placebo effect. At the gym today, I got dizzy (par for the course) and had to sit down on the gym floor for over 5 minutes (NOT normal) until my head got right. Even then, I felt nauseated and achy and all around WRONG. I felt like the only thing in the world I could do was crawl into bed and sleep it off.

I was really moody the first few days. Poor Hubby had to deal with quite a few temper flare-ups, mostly from my inability to take a joke. It's hard to be carefree and happy when your body feels terrible.

It's difficult to explain, but when your meds aren't right or you're adjusting to a new dose, there's this sort of disconnect between your head and the rest of your body, and things don't feel right in either place. In your head, there's a sensation of being detached from your thoughts, almost as if they're coming from an outside source. I'm not hearing voices or anything that extreme, but I feel like thoughts are handed to me instead of created within my own brain. On top of that, my body feels vaguely like I've got the flu, and my skin feels like it's been glued on top of my body. I feel like I could peel it off.

Emotionally, I'm doing alright. My moods have leveled back out again, although I'm experiencing some increased rates of anxiety (the reason my dose was up so high in the first place), and it can get a little emotional when you feel like your body's just OFF. So I cry a little. No big sobfests, but tears of frustration that I have to feel lousy and there's nothing I can do except wait for my body to adjust to the new levels of medication in my system.

In other news, I've set out on a mission to make some new, local friends. There's a website that's intended to be used as a dating site but has an option to select for just friends, too. I've met some really cool people on there in the past, so I started up a profile again and have started putting out feelers. I actually had plans to meet this really cool chick for drinks this evening, but something came up and she asked to postpone. Maybe she found my blog and realized I'm secretly crazy and got scared away. ;) In any event, I've met a couple of interesting people, mostly local. I'm having to be careful because there are far more guys on there than girls, and the hubby's not too interested in me making new guy friends, so I'm trying to be polite but distant with the men while sorting through the women and looking for those who have shared interests and/or interesting hobbies. I have GOT to get a social life! Our last local friends moved (ironically to the city where my parents live, so at least I'll still be seeing them a few times a year) on Saturday, and we didn't see THEM nearly often enough... I need to befriend someone who has a social circle so I can branch out and have people to see movies with, to go to dinner with, to go see local bands with, and maybe someone who doesn't work in the mornings who would like to get brunch once in a while while C is in school. My social life has been on the back burner for years now, and I think it's contributed a great deal to the troubles I've had. I can't keep waiting for my girlfriends in OK to suddenly decide they want to move to Reno or for us to get magically summoned back by some unforeseen job offer in Norman. We've settled in here; we bought a house here; I'm starting a career here... It's time to make it official and MAKE SOME FRIENDS HERE.