Thus Ends the Penny Drama/Growing Up

Well, after several x-rays, a less-than-successful operation, and several enemas, the penny that has haunted me for the past couple of weeks is now out of my life forever! C's x-ray this morning was completely clear of foreign bodies, meaning the penny snuck out in yesterday's diaper (despite my valiant search efforts), and I can finally breathe easily again... Until the next time my darling daughter decides to put something in her mouth!

I took the weekend off... from life. Sure, I did my motherly duties, fed and played with C, but I spent the vast majority of the weekend in my pajamas on the couch watching Criminal Minds and Law & Order: SVU marathons. I love the crime dramas because the bad guys always get caught in the end, and that gives me a warm sense of satisfaction and peace. If only real life worked out that smoothly!

Hubby and I are super excited because C's preschool is hosting a Parents' Night Out tomorrow night. Free babysitting at the school for two hours, long enough for hubby and I to go out to a nice dinner together without worrying about whether C will be quiet and cooperative. Also, I'll get to eat my food without stopping after every bite to give her a bite or to quiet her with a toy. It'll almost be like being a young, childless couple again!

We weren't prepared for parenthood when C came around. She was a happy fluke, and we were incredibly excited when we learned she was on the way, but it wasn't what we had planned. Just a couple of months prior, we had gotten pregnant and miscarried, and we decided at that time that it was for the best, that we needed a couple more years of just being the two of us before we brought in a third party. Well, I blinked twice and was pregnant again. I had planned to have a Master's degree before having a child (as opposed to now, where I'm earning my Master's while parenting full-time), to have a steady job and income, and to have traveled and seen a little bit of the world before settling down. I was a party girl, still into the club scene and bar-hopping with my girlfriends. I was still a kid. Then I was pregnant.

I thought I would be able to hold onto my youth after she was born, but then the diagnoses started rolling in, and I spent the first year and half of her life in hospitals and doctors' offices, getting bad news and then worse, facing crisis after crisis, surgery after surgery... And that ages you pretty quickly. By the time C was medically stable and I had enough time to do anything other than see another doctor, I had grown up. Too quickly, of course (isn't that always the case?).

I don't regret one moment of it. The beginning was tough, but I always got through by holding my baby in my arms and looking into her beautiful face. I miss being young, feeling young... I mean, it's not like I'm old and wrinkled now (although I do have some worry lines on my forehead, brought about by tough years of medical uncertainty), but I don't feel as vibrant and energetic as I did when I got married. I used to go out every night, and now I'm happy to curl up in pajamas under my electric blanket and watch tv in the evenings. I regained a little bit of that youthful energy while I was singing with the band, but at the cost of time with my family and an education that I earnestly wanted... Not the best trade-off.

I don't know if I've completely resigned myself to growing up yet. I still cling to certain things that make me feel young and carefree, such as dying my hair drastic colors or getting pierced or tattooed... I still want to go skydiving again, and I'm determined to go skiing one of these seasons, when I can find someone to watch C. Someday, I'll get to visit London and Germany and Ireland. Someday, I'll star in another musical or sing on a stage in front of a packed house again. I still have plenty of time to be young, to have fun, to be a little bit crazy, even. I just have to find myself a babysitter first. ;)

Penny's Travels

There it is! If it doesn't pass by Monday morning, we'll have yet another x-ray to see if it's stuck in her malrotated intestines. Joy!

So, Yesterday Pretty Much Sucked...

Seriously, I can't remember any day as hard, aside from C's first two surgeries, which were both major surgeries that lasted a long time, and holding myself together in the surgical waiting area for hours seemed nigh impossible. Once again, though, I pulled through, C pulled through with flying colors (this is why I call her a warrior!), and the emergencies have all passed.

Miraculously, although I was on the verge several times, I didn't shed a single tear during or after my crazy day. I wanted to cry when I left my husband to fend for himself at Urgent Care, and again when I found out they were sending him to the ER. I wanted to cry when they told me that C's coin could have ruptured her GI tract and might leave a hole in her esophagus, and again when the surgery took twice as long as the time they quoted me and I still hadn't heard anything.

The hardest part for me was being so torn between the need to be there for my daughter in one city and the need to be there for my husband in another, and having to choose between the two. I just wish the crises had occurred just one day apart so I could have done right by both of them. Instead, I took care of my daughter and left hubby to fend for himself, which was the right choice, but which still felt like choosing one love over another... Which broke my heart.

At 9:00, they told us we'd be staying the night in the hospital. At 9:30, they said it would depend on how well C tolerated liquids. By 10:20, we were on our way home. Mind you, my day started with an x-ray order picked up at 9:00 and an x-ray performed at 9:30. I was on high alert ALL DAY LONG, over 12 hours. I got through it by texting hubby frequently to give him updates and get updates on his medical situation, calling my mom a couple of times, and texting/talking to one of my very best friends in OK, who somehow manages to be the calming spirit in my chaotic life from thousands of miles away. Bless her for being her! I didn't have a single anxiety pill all day. I suppose I could have asked for one at the hospital, but it never even occurred to me... And now I'm proud of myself for staying strong through a whole mess of a day without any meds. Bonus points for me!

C is back at school today, and hubby is back at work. It's almost as if yesterday never happened. The only lingering effect is that I had one hellish nightmare that I'm having trouble shaking this morning (it feels like real memories instead of a dream), but that's fading as the clock ticks on. It was clearly just a manifestation of all of yesterday's anxiety into a horrible people-killing-each-other dream.

I found a LOT of encouragement and support from Twitter yesterday. I was posting to keep my mind and fingers occupied during the long waits, and I was surprised at how many people sent prayers and kind thoughts out to a complete stranger who was having a rough day. It reminded me about the good side of the internet, the companionship and support and help that are out there amidst the scams and porn and shopping sites. It reminded me of the wonderful people of the world, and made me grateful that they're out there and haven't been beaten down by the horrible people. It helped a lot.

Now, I move forward with life. Yesterday, awful as it was, is over and behind me, and there are no lasting crises. I get to move back into my role as wife and mother without all the hysteria and medical questions thrown my way. Yesterday, I felt like my family was fractured and in peril. Today, we are whole and safe again.

Crises Abound!

I am writing this from Renown Hospital in Reno, where C is being admitted for an emergent surgery, scheduled 30 minutes ago, to remove a coin that has been lodged in her throat for at least two weeks. I spent all morning at the hospital at home waiting for it to get lined up, was sent home to wait, and found out five minutes after I got home that hubby needed a ride to Urgent Care. I was in the waiting room with him when I got the call to drive to Reno. Just after I left, Urgent Care sent him to the ER. Why do they both have to need me at the same time? Couldn't just one of these emergencies have come tomorrow so I can be there for both of my loves? I had to act too fast to think to grab an anxiety pill, so I'm left to get through both situations all on my own. Today is not one of the easy days. Wait... Have I ever had a truly easy day?